The Use of Pepper Spray Drones in Our Schools Would Be Abhorrent

Dear School Board Members,

I’ve recently learned about a plan to deploy drones in our San Mateo County schools. These drones would surveil our children nonstop and fire pepper spray munitions in the case of a school shooting. Like many parents, I have grave concerns about this plan. Mainly, I’m left with one important question: At what point did we decide to coddle school shooters?

As the old saying goes, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. The clear solution to school shootings is to arm each teacher and staff member with a long gun, like an AR-15, as well as a sidearm, and perhaps a holdout pistol in an ankle holster, something smaller like a Glock 43. That level of armed response would provide for minimal casualties to students and staff in the case of a school shooting. The typical complaint we hear from naysayers is that these weapons would hinder the ability of teachers to do their jobs, but I have several videos on my YouTube channel demonstrating that with the right slings and holsters, these weapons can all be carried fairly unobtrusively.

If you’re dead set against teachers carrying firearms, there are other options. In our past conversations, I’ve provided you with many practical ideas for both preventing and responding to school shootings, including:

• Converting classrooms into lead-lined safe rooms that would be locked down in the case of a security event. These scholastic fortresses would double as bomb shelters in the case of a nuclear strike by a rogue state like Iran or Ukraine.
• Deploying land mines in school hallways. The locations of the mines would be designated with specific patterned tiles that students would be aware of, but not external attackers. The explosives could be low-grade enough that setting off a mine would not necessarily cause fatal injuries, so a student who accidentally triggered one could potentially live a fairly normal life with the use of prosthetics.
• Providing firearms training and concealed carry permits to several students in each class. These students would operate in the same capacity as air marshals, carrying handguns but only using those weapons in the case of a shooting. This may not be feasible at the elementary school level, but it should be very doable for junior high and high school students. My own children were highly proficient with handguns by kindergarten, but admittedly, not all parents are capable of that level of training. 

I understand that my role as Lead Account Executive for Patriot Firearms and Tactical Gear™ will cause some to doubt my objectivity, but my professional experience is exactly why I’m the best person to counsel you on this issue. For the sake of our children's privacy and safety, let’s do away with the non-lethal nonsense and treat these serious threats to life in the manner that they deserve. It’s time for killing, not coddling.

As General George S. Patton once said, “A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed at some indefinite time in the future.” Don’t delay. Reply to this email with the words GUN SHOW and my AI agent will assist you in scheduling a weapons demonstration.