Acting AG Blanche Promises to “Get Medieval” in Federal Executions

Acting US Attorney General Todd Blanche said the Department of Justice will be taking federal executions to “new levels of brutality” at a DOJ press conference today. Criminals should “watch their asses,” according to Blanche, as he promised to “get medieval on them.”

Blanche started looking into new ways to spice up executions following a Truth Social post by President Trump.

“As the President said, our executions no longer have any rizz,” Blanche added. “So, we're thinking outside the box. For example, hangings are great, who doesn’t like to watch a good hanging? But what if we could juice it up somehow? Maybe the guy is hanging over a pit full of starving dogs, or he has a thousand-pound weight strapped to his legs. They release the trap door and boom, he rips right in half.”

Blanche announced that he’s formed a new committee at the DOJ to investigate this subject. “We’re looking at lots of possibilities, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. One big issue is determining what’s a solid method of execution and what will only inflict massive pain and torture. Like the iron maiden, for example. Great torture device, great band, too. But will it kill reliably?”

Other members of the MEGA Committee include US Attorney Jeanine Pirro and Jeffrey Epstein’s former attorney, Allen Dershowitz. “Dersh was a no-brainer,” Blanche said. “He has a lot of relevant experience.” Another interested potential committee member, according to a high-level source at the DOJ, is HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. “Bobby has watched a lot of animals die,” said the source. “He likes to look them right in the eyes when they go. He’s also already planning some related experiments involving mercury and the Covid vaccines.”