New Restrictions on ICE from the Senate Democrats

To: House Democrats
From: Chuck Schumer

Dear Representatives,

As you know, our initial discussions surfaced several new restrictions on ICE, including wearing ID and not operating near churches or schools. After discussions with the party leadership and Zoom calls with their consultants, we are now proposing an even more comprehensive set of restrictions to bring safety and security to the American people.

The list follows:

No coffee after 2 PM
No Coors Light
No vaping
No podcasting
No premium/ad-free streaming services
No salt-free snacks
No questions in briefings without raising your hand
No Chinese EVs
No store-brand toilet paper
No ChatGPT or Gemini, only Grok
No nukes
No explicitly Nazi uniform patches, there must be some plausible deniability
No first-class airfares
No negativity
No Kendrick, only Drake
No looking directly into the sun during a solar eclipse
No swimming after 10 PM
No complex time signatures
No Star Trek, only Star Wars
No perfume
No pinball
No bullshit
No cutting in line
No more tears
No regrets
No scrubs
No sugar tonight
No secrets
No exit
No fun
No taxation without our representation (except for tariffs)
No saying mean things about us

While we are extremely committed to every item on this list, we remain flexible.

God Bless America,

Senator Chuck Schumer
Senate Democratic Leader

(Photo by Connor Gan on Unsplash)